Ryan's wedding

 
 
 
 

My dad's extended family gathered in Minneapolis two weekends ago for my cousin Ryan's wedding. One of the best parts about it was that my brother and sister-in-law came from AZ and, of course, they brought the baby.
1. Five of the six cousins gather at the groom's dinner: Stephanie, Ryan, Peter (with Isaiah!), Jack and Anthony. We missesd Jenna, who is currently in China.
2. Mom and I were very happy to be on baby duty during the weekend's festivities.
3. Suddenly Mom and Dad have a big family! We gather at the wedding: Melissa (my sister-in-law), Shane (my older half-brother), Peter with Isaiah (my brother and nephew) and me.
4. It goes without saying, of course, that Isaiah is incredibly advanced for his age. He was smiling and laughing when he was just a few weeks old. Here he is giggling away as we head to the airport to drop them off. He was smiling, but I was near tears, since I won't see him again for months and months. Maybe even a year, although I'm really hoping to get to Arizona around Christmas time.

Howard Lake and the Chippewa National Forest (northern Minnesota)

 
 
 
 

1. Dad fishes while I tell him where the fish are. He caught three large-mouth bass off that dock.
2. Each morning the mist would rise off the lake, and one morning I dragged myself out of my tent and took photos.
3. The butterflies didn't hang out around the lake, but once we went out into the forest on ATVs, using minimum-maintenance logging roads (fun!), they were everywhere. Especially in meadows like this daisy patch.
4. I took an ATV out to this lake hidden in the forest amidst the ferns, birches and wetlands.

Grief

Grief, I'm learning, certainly comes in stages.

Therapist Susan Anderson, in her book, "Journey from Abandonment to Healing: Surviving and Learning from the 5 Stages that Accompany the Loss of Love" calls it a swirl. It's a swirl of stages: shattering; longing for the love that's been withdrawn; rage and anger at the partner who left; acceptance; and lifting out of the grief to create a new, stronger self.

I was relieved to learn that our bodies often do funny things during the shattering, or devastated, stage. If I dwell on what happened I lose my appetite and, even if I force myself to eat, I feel nauseous. The muscles in my legs have tensed up incredibly during this time, especially my quads (perhaps because those are what we use to spring off into a run). I couldn't sleep at first, and my digestive system was all out of whack. Anderson draws on biochemical evidence that displays just what happens when we experience a shock such as the sudden loss of love. We spring into flight or fight mode and live tensed, anxious, all of our energies devoted to merely surviving. Blood goes away from the digestive system and to the brain so we constantly think and analyze and plan. I can identify with all of this.

I am also starting to get angry, quite angry at times, as well as begin to realize the enormity of what is now missing out of my life--what so wonderfully filled it the last 8 months but is now gone. But at the same time, through all of this, I have accepted that Vinny's decision was final and that, in some ways, it is better and that I want to move on. Sometimes, particularly when I am very busy at work (as I've been the last few days), I feel completely normal and myself. But I've noticed I don't spring out of bed the way I used to. I wake up and the memory of what happened hits me, and then I feel a sense of dread for the day to come. That is not a normal feeling for me.

It's just so physically and emotionally exhausting to be feeling all of these emotions as once. I want a little rest from it. I'm so grateful to the friends who call and the work colleagues and others constantly checking in on me, but that does make it hard to forget.

Thankfully, I'm about to get my rest and my away time. On Friday I head up to Minnesota for my cousin Ryan's wedding. My parents will be there, as will my brother, sister-in-law and Baby Isaiah. Not to mention my paternal grandmother and a plethora of well-loved aunts, uncles and cousins. We will party hard at the wedding and, though I'm sure I will shed a few tears remembering who was supposed to be there with me and with whom I was planning my own wedding, I will soon feel better. How will I not, when I will be surrounded by people who love me so well and with whom I have so much fun? On Monday we're all heading up to a family cabin in the Minnesota Northwoods for a week of R&R on a beautiful, mostly wild lake (minus Peter, Melissa and Isaiah).

If only I can get through my workday tomorrow. I have four articles to write before I'm free for another six days. We'll see if I manage!

Unexpected Arizona

 
 
 
 


Isaiah the Cutie Pie is now seven weeks old, although these photos were taken last week, when he was six weeks old. He's just begun to smile and laugh (as in the second photo, where his auntie is holding him). He is an absolute joy and holding him and staring back into his inquisitive eyes is so therapeutic. And you've gotta love that hair!!!

Although I didn't want to do much but be with my family and have the freedom to cry the first few days I was at home, my mom suggested a trip to the North Rim of the Grand Canyon. I'd never been the North Rim before, just the South. My grandparents joined us and after driving to my parents' mountain house in Payson to spend the night, we set out for the Grand Canyon bright and early the first morning. I have dozens of amazing photos, of course, but here are a couple of my favorites. We stayed in a cabin overlooking the Rim (the first thing my mom did was move the beds in front of the window so we could watch the sunrise)and I spent hours sitting by the Rim writing, chatting or just thinking.

Mom and I hiked down into the Canyon. We went down about three miles (two hours) and back up (three hours). My mom struggled quite a lot with breathing on the way up, but she's a trooper! She made it. I could have kept going but was glad by the time we got back up to the top that I didn't have to. We rewarded ourselves with showers (my, how that red dust soaks into your skin) and Irish coffees drunk by the side of the Canyon. I'm holding mine in this pic taken on the overlook.