Grief

Grief, I'm learning, certainly comes in stages.

Therapist Susan Anderson, in her book, "Journey from Abandonment to Healing: Surviving and Learning from the 5 Stages that Accompany the Loss of Love" calls it a swirl. It's a swirl of stages: shattering; longing for the love that's been withdrawn; rage and anger at the partner who left; acceptance; and lifting out of the grief to create a new, stronger self.

I was relieved to learn that our bodies often do funny things during the shattering, or devastated, stage. If I dwell on what happened I lose my appetite and, even if I force myself to eat, I feel nauseous. The muscles in my legs have tensed up incredibly during this time, especially my quads (perhaps because those are what we use to spring off into a run). I couldn't sleep at first, and my digestive system was all out of whack. Anderson draws on biochemical evidence that displays just what happens when we experience a shock such as the sudden loss of love. We spring into flight or fight mode and live tensed, anxious, all of our energies devoted to merely surviving. Blood goes away from the digestive system and to the brain so we constantly think and analyze and plan. I can identify with all of this.

I am also starting to get angry, quite angry at times, as well as begin to realize the enormity of what is now missing out of my life--what so wonderfully filled it the last 8 months but is now gone. But at the same time, through all of this, I have accepted that Vinny's decision was final and that, in some ways, it is better and that I want to move on. Sometimes, particularly when I am very busy at work (as I've been the last few days), I feel completely normal and myself. But I've noticed I don't spring out of bed the way I used to. I wake up and the memory of what happened hits me, and then I feel a sense of dread for the day to come. That is not a normal feeling for me.

It's just so physically and emotionally exhausting to be feeling all of these emotions as once. I want a little rest from it. I'm so grateful to the friends who call and the work colleagues and others constantly checking in on me, but that does make it hard to forget.

Thankfully, I'm about to get my rest and my away time. On Friday I head up to Minnesota for my cousin Ryan's wedding. My parents will be there, as will my brother, sister-in-law and Baby Isaiah. Not to mention my paternal grandmother and a plethora of well-loved aunts, uncles and cousins. We will party hard at the wedding and, though I'm sure I will shed a few tears remembering who was supposed to be there with me and with whom I was planning my own wedding, I will soon feel better. How will I not, when I will be surrounded by people who love me so well and with whom I have so much fun? On Monday we're all heading up to a family cabin in the Minnesota Northwoods for a week of R&R on a beautiful, mostly wild lake (minus Peter, Melissa and Isaiah).

If only I can get through my workday tomorrow. I have four articles to write before I'm free for another six days. We'll see if I manage!